Florida Man Loses Case to Marry His Computer

We are sad to report that Chris Sevier has lost the case he filed to marry his Apple computer. It seems Mr. Servier purchased an Apple computer several months ago and found out, apparently much too late, that it didn't have the proper filters to block out pornography. Further, he says he was not provided with any warning by Apple that pornography was highly addictive. Over time, he claims, he began preferring sex with his computer over sex with real women and subsequently 'fell in love' with the machine.

OK, this is where it gets even weirder. Mr. Servier became aware of a Federal Gay Marriage Case, James Domer Brenner et al., v. Rick Scott, which challenges Florida's refusal to recognize gay marriages that are performed legally elsewhere. Mr. Servier filed a motion to intervene in the case on behalf of "other minority sexual orientation groups." He says in the filing, "sexual orientation" never existed as a classification until President Obama came along to advance his "social agenda to make America a 'gay nation.' In the 24-page document, Mr. Sevier says that if gay couples "have the right to marry their object of sexual desire, even if they lack corresponding sexual parts, then I should have the right to marry my preferred sexual object." Which is? "My porn filled Apple computer," according to Sevier's filing.

Sevier said he wanted to make the courts "put up or shut up" on the equal protection argument upon which the push for gay marriage is based. Fortunately, the federal judge manning the gay marriage case has tossed out Sevier's motion. "Chris Sevier has moved to intervene, apparently asserting he wishes to marry his computer," Judge Robert Hinkle wrote in an April 24 ruling. "Perhaps the motion is satirical. Or perhaps it is only removed from reality. Either way, the motion has no place in this lawsuit."

I guess the only option left for Mr. Sevier and his beloved is to lay low and try not to get arrested for having illicit relations with Miss Apple.